


4118, Show me going

by B99fangirlnextdoor, Brooklyn99addict



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Amy Santiago, Dating, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2019-10-19 05:42:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17595539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/B99fangirlnextdoor/pseuds/B99fangirlnextdoor, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brooklyn99addict/pseuds/Brooklyn99addict
Summary: Three little words changed Amy's life forever





	1. Amy POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3 little words change Amy's life forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first ever collaboration work and I am so excited to share it with you guys!

Everything changes when I hear Rosa's voice over the radio. " Diaz, 4118, Show me going."

It was just a typical day when it happened. I'd been out all morning on a stakeout with Jake, we'd got the guy and walked into the bullpen with him. Jake made some stupid joke, but nobody laughed. Not even Charles. They were all gathered around a very pale Gina's desk. "Shhhh!"

"Diaz, 4118, show me going." The badge number is familiar to me, but my mind was blank. "4118 we have you going."

It's Rosa.

Part of me wants to turn around and run. But I can't. I'm frozen. I can't do anything but stand there in stunned silence. Why do I feel like I've just run a marathon? The walls are closing in. I can't breathe. Rosa Diaz, my Rosa, is running into an active shooting.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

* * *

 

All my life I’ve identified as bisexual but telling someone made it feel a bit too real. We’re living in an age where homophobia and racism still exists, and although it’s better, I’m not sure I can deal with an entire group of people hating me. On top of that, there was a problem. I'd always believed the girl I wanted would never be interested in someone like me. It didn't make logistical sense, how could someone like her like me? She's smart, tough, hard to read and really pretty. Screw that, she's downright sexy (if a little scary) And there I was, sat in my pantsuit organising my desk and sniffing binders.

I didn't have a hope.

But it was okay because I had no time for dating. I was going to be the NYPD's youngest ever captain. It’s all I’ve ever wanted since I was little, and I wasn't about to give that dream up, even if it meant I had to tolerate Jake teasing me about being single, and Charles rubbing his sex life in my face.

* * *

 

 

That all changed nearly two years ago. I was getting ready to be set up by Kylie. She'd been begging me to go on a date for months, and I eventually agreed, but with no promises of a relationship afterwards. I was only going tonight to get her to shut up and leave me alone.

I stood in front of my closet, staring at the clothes options. Of which there weren't many. It was either my work clothes or a slinky black cocktail dress I didn't know I had. I pulled the cocktail dress out, holding it against my body and staring at myself in the mirror. It really wasn't my style. Can you turn up to a date in a suit?

Half an hour later I decide to brave it and choose the cocktail dress, knowing my date would probably walk off if I turned up in a pantsuit. Not that it mattered. I was only going to make Kylie happy. Definitely not to get a girlfriend. I'm far too busy for that nonsense.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror, running my hands down the close-fitting fabric. It wasn't anything special, but I actually looked kind of hot in it. I messed around with my hair for a bit, trying to experiment with different styles I saw on Pinterest, but eventually, I just leave it down. A little bit of light makeup and a nude lipstick to compliment my look, and I'm done.

I think.

The natural makeup look is in now, right?

Maybe I should try putting my hair up one more time.

* * *

 

The place I'm going to is fantastic. It's a lively lesbian bar not far away from my apartment. The drinks there are incredible, reasonably priced (for Brooklyn) and they've got live music playing every other night.

Blind dates are awkward because you don't know what the date looks like so you can't go find them. I text Kylie to let her know I'll be waiting at the bar for my date and take a seat on a nearby stool. I hear a loud, piercing wolf whistle which makes me jump slightly. I turn around to find Mike (the bartender) smiling and pushing my usual towards me. "Hey girl, how you doing? You look fucking hot, got a date tonight?" I grin into my martini, blushing slightly. "Yeah I do, I'm just waiting for her now. I'm a little nervous, to be honest." I take a sip of my drink as Mike chuckles to himself. "You've nothing to be nervous of! If I were straight, I'd totally ask you out! I'm sure whoever you're meeting is going to love you."

Mike and I are chatting about work when someone pats me on the back. I take another big sip of my drink and signal for another before turning around to smile at the woman that stood before me.

Oh my God.

She was hot.

"Hi, Amy right?" Jenny asked, offering her hand. I take it and try to get the words out "Yeah, I take it you're Jenny?" Jenny nodded slightly, making her long blond hair bob. "What you drinking?" I try not to stare as she takes a seat next to me, her tanned legs curling underneath her dainty body. "I think I'll go with a silk panty." I grin, raising my drink "No way! That's what I drink!"

Jenny was cute, funny and articulate. She was 35, a doctor specialising in emergency medicine, she grew up with four brothers and had a deep love for stationary and tests. Best of all, she'd been chatting with me for the last 30 minutes and hadn't walked off yet.

I turned to Mike to order another drink when out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a girl with curly black hair and a leather jacket smirking at me.

Was that... Rosa?


	2. Rosa's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As she responds to the call that comes over the radio, Rosa recalls the night of her and Amy's first kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed writing this one too much
> 
> NB: I'm British, I use British English spelling  
> NB #2: To help with the flow of the story, It uses *some* not all features from the s5 episode show me going, but it's not set in it.

I'm heading downtown for lunch when it comes over the radio. Active shooting situation at a local museum. 2, possibly three gunmen, and multiple casualties. ESU are on their way, but they're requesting backup.

I'm close to where it is. I could go and help out. My mind drifts to Amy, how she wanted to come out with me for lunch but had to go on a stakeout. Now was not the time to be worried about stupid things like love. If she were me, she'd do the exact same thing. Sighing, I pick up my radio "Diaz, 4118, show me going". There's a pause as I wait for dispatches response "4118 I have you going" That's it. I'm officially charging into an active shooter situation. Turning on my sirens, I put my foot down.

*****

It was nearly two years ago when I decided to try out the lesbian bar in town. I'd just closed a three-month-old case, and I wanted to celebrate. For me, being bisexual doesn't mean being gay one weekend and straight another. I don't head out deciding I want to fuck a guy or girl, I fuck whoever I'm attracted to. So, in that sense, it was unusual for me to go into a lesbian bar. But I'd been to pretty much every other bar in Brooklyn (or at least the good ones) and wanted to try something new.

Boy, was I glad I did.

I glanced up from my whiskey to find someone who looked like Amy Santiago sitting across the bar with a girl. Only Amy wasn't gay, and I'd never seen her dressed up like this before. Her hair was down, she had a little bit of makeup on, and was wearing a tight black cocktail dress. It can't be Amy.

Can it?

Come to think of it, the girl could be Amy. She volunteers down at the BCPC running some sort of class, I don't know what, but she's mentioned it once or twice while lurking around my desk. I shake my head slightly. Now was not the time to play spot the co-worker. I was here to get pissed and bone someone, although, looking around, there wasn't much choice. I signal to the bartender, who approaches with a smile "What you having?" I lift up my glass "Another whiskey and a tequila shot." The guy nods, turning around to pour my drinks "She's hot isn't she?" I blink "What?" The bartender gestures to the Amy lookalike behind him "Oh. I guess." I hastily pick up my shot and toss it back "Her name's Amy." I nearly spit tequila over him "What?" The bartender grins at me "She's a regular here, and she's a detective." I nod, suppressing my cough reflex as I swallow repeatedly and gesture to my shot glass. He pours me another tequila and then leaves me with my thoughts.

Amy Santiago is gay.

I catch myself smiling at the idea that the hot brunette less than 5 meters away from me with a body that doesn't look like it's ever been fucked right is gay, and quickly correct myself. But it was good to know. Maybe coming here would be worth it.

It was that moment when Amy glanced up and spotted me, looking as confused as I felt, but quickly turned back to the girl in the red dress next to her.

 

I positioned myself, so I was sat directly behind Amy's date and waited. A few girls came up, and I airily flirted with them, making sure I could still see Amy out of the corner of my eye. She was trying to focus on her date but was epically failing, not that her date noticed, she was still babbling on about her brothers. Fortune was in my favour that night, and eventually, I heard a ringing cellphone. The date picked up her phone and answered it.

Listening in was hard. The bar was busy, and one of the girls who approached me earlier is still flirting. But I heard "Doctor", "Emergency" and "Sorry". Before I could fully prosses what was happening, Amy's date had stood up, handed her a piece of paper, kissed her on the cheek and left. I turn back to the girl who's flirting with me, but she's already gone.

Now was my chance.

I subtly shift closer to Amy, wave the bartender over and order her a drink. I intently stare at my whisky, taking small sips intermittently as I focus on the words behind me. I can't make all of it out, but I know the bartender is teasing her. Amy nervously stutters something that only makes the bartender laugh harder. It's cute. Really cute.

I felt Amy's gaze resting on my back as I came to the realisation he's told her I was the one who'd bought her the drink. My heart begins to flutter as I take yet another sip of whisky to steady myself, faking nonchalance as I blankly stare at the wall in front of me.

Just as I'm drinking my last drop of whiskey, the sound of another glass being slid towards me becomes apparent. I'm no longer alone. The table wobbles slightly as Amy leans on it to sit on the stool. We don't speak at first. I've a feeling she is trying to find the words. "Thanks for the drink," I grunt, nodding slightly.

Amy's beginning to ramble in the way she does when she gets nervous, which would usually irritate me, but tonight it doesn't. I listen to her attentively, not that I look like it. I still haven't broken my gaze away from the wall.

I guess she presumes she's boring me or something because she excuses herself to order more drinks. "Mike, can we have another two shots please?" I try not to scoff. What kind of a name is Mike? "If I were you, I'd kiss her already." Amy blushes, shifting closer so they can drop their voices to a softer whisper. "We're coworkers, I don't want to make things awkward or messy," Mark says something else and winks at her, making Amy blush harder.

I still can't quite get my head around the fact Amy's a regular here. I don't even know how she found this place. It's not really her thing. Sure, she drinks with the squad when we're celebrating something, but otherwise, she's not a big partier. I, on the other hand, am rarely sober after 7pm, even on work days, unless there's some emergency or Jake's done something stupid and got us all put on overtime. 

Amy is downing her shot on the way towards me when she's intercepted by a pretty blond who proceeds to hit on her. She does a pretty good job of politely declining the offer, but the blond won't let her past. Amy blinks a few times, smiling nervously and backing up a little. I can't watch any more. My instant reaction is to beat the shit out of the blond, but I know that was likely to get us banned from what appears to be a favourite bar of Amy's. Instead, I swiftly stand up and stride over to them.

I force myself to smile as I wrap an arm around Amy's waist and take the shot off her. "Thanks, babe." Amy blinks, not really knowing how to react, but quickly recovers, pressing herself into me a little more. I set my jaw and glared at the blond, who's staring open-mouthed at us."Is there a problem here?" The blond backs up slightly, suddenly uncertain, "No." With that, she flounces off towards the safety of her group, making Amy giggle. She has a wonderful laugh. "Are you smiling Rosa?" I am, but I'm not giving her the satisfaction of saying yes. I'd never hear the end of it. "Shut up," I say, still grinning. Amy squeezes up against me a little more, and I realise my arm is still wrapped around Amy's waist, not that she seems to mind. I nod my head towards the bar, and we approach it together, interlinked.

We staggered out thirty minutes later, Uber waiting outside for Amy. She leans in and pecks me on the lips. Before I've a chance to pull her in, she breaks, taking shaky, shallow breaths, gazing into my eyes as if she was seeking approval. Unable to contain myself anymore, I wrap my arms around her body, pulling her closer and pressing my lips to hers, our mouths fitting together like pieces of a jigsaw. She tastes of tequila and peppermint. This time, it wasn't like one of those close-mouthed kisses like you do when you’re in seventh grade. It was a full-on, open-mouthed, borderline sexual kiss. And she was surprisingly good at it. I slid my hands down Amy's body, holding her close, while she wrapped her arms around my neck and gently tugged on my hair, sending shivers of pleasure running down my spine as the wind wrapped itself around us.

It's the Uber driver who breaks us away. He honks his horn and yells something about waiting times. I feel a sharp pang in my chest as I release her, urging me to kiss her again. I could tell she felt the same way. "You okay to get back to your apartment from here?" I raised an eyebrow, making her giggle slightly "Sorry. I forgot who you were for a second." Giving her one final squeeze, I step away and open the car door for her, grinning as she rolled her eyes at me.  
******  
I was so entangled in my thoughts I didn't notice my phone exploding beside me. No doubt the nine - nine heard me over the radio and were freaking out. I debate over whether or not to respond to them now I've pulled up a block away from where I could see the flashing sirens in the distance. I hurriedly pick up my phone flick through the stream of messages.

Holt: Dear Rosa, I trust you will do your job and return safely. Sincerely, Raymond Holt  
Terry: I know you'll make us all proud Rosa, but please look after yourself  
Gina: You go, girl!  
Charles: I know you got this Ro-Ro, stay safe x  
Jake: Holt is being an ass and won't let me join you. Be careful and don't play the hero. That's my job. Understood?

I steady myself and steady myself click on Amy's name. She's left me two voicemails.

"You have 2 new messages. New message. Message received today at 13:03" There was a pause before I heard Amy's voice. "You ass! Why did you agree to attend? I fucking hate you! I hate that you thought it was okay to just run into this situation! I hate you I hate you I hate you!" She begins to sob. "If you get shot, I swear to God Rosa I will kill you before that bullet does, do you hear me?" 

I save the message and move on to the next one.  
"New message. Message received today at 13:19." Amy's voice was a little calmer this time, but it was breaking slightly "Rosa, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm just scared for you. I get that it's your job and I would have done the same. Please look after yourself. I love you."

I compose myself as I press reply. Amy lets it go to voicemail, which is probably better for both of us. " Hey dumbass, listen, I - "I catch my breath for a second, too aware of the time constraints pressing on me. "I'm going to be fine, so don't go all soppy on me and bombard my phone, understood?" I steel myself for what I'm about to say "Also... I love you, Santiago, I'll see you later, okay?" I hang up quickly as I haven't yet got around to having my tear ducts melted shut and Amy doesn't need to hear me sobbing like a baby.

Wiping my eyes yet again, I place my phone in my back pocket, put my bulletproof vest on, and run towards the chaos.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squad try to cope as they wait for news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took forever, it's over 4,100 words long and I kept having to edit it, but finally I'm happy with it so here you go
> 
>  
> 
> ****Thank you to our supporters! Kudus, Comments, advice ect always appreciated ****

**Scully POV**

"4118, I have you going." My heart sank as I squeezed my eyes shut and tuned the rest of the precinct out.

I was just out of the hospital after my second heart attack in the '80s when Hitchcock and I were called to a shootout. Back then, things were different. We didn't respond to gunfire unless we knew someone had definitely been hit. It just happened so damn often nobody, including myself, took it very seriously.

However, my views on shootouts changed forever one night. Hitchcock and I were caught in the middle of an open fire situation. We managed to get out, but many didn't. Among them was an old friend called Barry. My first ever partner, he was a funny guy and brilliant at what he did. Witnessing his death left me with PTSD that haunted me for decades.

After that, every time I heard about a shootout, I'd freeze, remembering the events of that awful night. Only Hitchcock and my old captain knew why. Even now, 30 years later, I sit here in sullen silence as the events of that night play over repeatedly.

* * *

 

** Hitchcock's POV **

Seeing my partner go white, I passed him some peanuts and got him a glass of cola so he could just chill for a bit. I've always believed that food was the key to forgetting your problems.

" _Hey!_ " Rosa's sharp tone woke us from our peaceful slumber. " _What did you do that for Diaz?_ " Rosa glared at us, clutching a case file in her right hand " _I know you dummies aren't as stupid as you've been pretending to be and I need your help with a case._ " I glanced over at Scully before turning to Rosa " _I don't know what you're talking about._ " Scully piped up " _Yeah! We hate work!_ " Not very helpful, but I'll take it. " _Don't play stupid with me._ " Rosa growled, " _I know you're both the recipients of the Combat Cross_." Ah. That old gem. We'd been awarded it the night Barry died. I glanced across at Scully, who'd stopped eating his chips to stare at his feet.

Scully and I got promoted to detectives in the mid-'70s. It wasn't a good time for Brooklyn, but it was our peak. We'd seen it all. Serial killers, Rapists, shootouts, drug busts that went wrong and a whole lot more where that came from. Scully ended up with PTSD as a result of losing an old friend, and after that, we decided to slow down a little. Very gradually, we let other detectives take the brunt of the work. We watched many people come and go over our time together, and as the new replaced the old, we were just accepted to be the lazy detectives we're known as now.

The only time Rosa spoke to us was to yell at us, try to intimidate us and once, challenge us to a sit-off. Oh crap. That's how she knew.

I sighed. " _Okay, we'll help you. On the condition that you don't tell anyone that we helped you, you stop calling us morons, and you don't tell anyone we're capable of proper work_." Rosa held out her hand " _Deal_." Much to Rosa's disgust, Scully took it. " _Why are your hands so clammy?_ " Scully beamed at her as she pulled away to make a hasty exit to the bathroom.

We worked that case separately so people wouldn't get suspicious, but eventually, we cracked it. " _This is to say thank you_." Rosa threw two pizza boxes and a pie in front of us " _Its lactose-free cheese, so you don't stink out the precinct after._ " I smiled at Rosa " _Scully, and I have decided that so long as you keep our secret, we'll happily help you out when you need it_." Rosa nodded slightly "Tight." I watched her walk away before turning to the pizza, only to find Scully had eaten most of both of them.

 

After that, Rosa brought us some of her trickiest cases, and we built up a rapport with her. We taught her all the tricks we knew for solving tough cases, and she treated us to food afterward. Rosa was a good company and the only one of the nine-nine to treat us with any respect. She was scary sometimes, but today, I'm grateful for it.

* * *

 

**Terry POV**

Terry hates to hold music.

I'd been waiting for over an hour now. I needed to bulk up my plan, and this damn music wasn't making it any easier, but I can't hang up. Tomorrow was not promised.

I'm trying to keep calm, telling myself Rosa's tough. Holt's first Halloween with the squad was a perfect example of that. Some guy, easily twice Rosa's weight, came running out of the hold. She managed to tackle him single-handedly and hold him there until we ran over to help.

Rosa's the toughest detective I've ever had the pleasure of working with, but even she isn't invincible. All it takes is one momentary slip of concentration and bam! She's dead. Gone. Forever.

Terry needs to get through to these people.

She's a brilliant role model for Cagney and Lacey as well. She's tough, sure, but she's also sweet, and brave. She knows right from wrong and sticks to her morals no matter what, which makes her an excellent babysitter. I once walked into them talking about bullying. She told them that violence is never the answer, but if you absolutely must, you're allowed to defend yourself. She said the safest thing to do was hide or run to a safe place, like a classroom, a hospital or a police precinct, and tell an adult. Maybe one day she can even teach them Spanish when they're old enough — being bilingual means more job opportunities for my baby girls.

"Hello, you're through to vitality life insurance, my name's Mark, how can I help?"

Finally. The damn hold music has ended. Oh, and Terry gets to update his life insurance. That's important too.

* * *

 

** Holt POV **

When I heard detective Diaz's name over the radio, I was scared. Not only was Diaz my best detective, but she was also my friend and a huge part of our family. She has come a long way since I first met her. We hit it off from the start, but in recent years she saved countless lives, cleaned the streets of a drug that went by the name 'giggle pig', came out as bi, got herself a girlfriend in Santiago and so much more. Now, she was putting her life on the line to save others. While I was frightened, I was also extremely proud of her.

I tried to do my best to reassure the squad. To tell them that Diaz was currently working, but she would come back. That it would be okay. I don't think any of them were listening. I knew as captain of this precinct, it was my job to keep everyone here safe and as calm as possible, but it turns out I'm not brilliant with emotions, and therefore I struggled to express myself to them. I was kind of hoping Peralta would step up, but, to my distress, I couldn't see him anywhere. I was about to get Santiago to ring him when my own ringing phone brought me out of my thoughts.

Two minutes and thirty-eight seconds later I hang up. Three officers are down. I gaze out into the bullpen, taking in my squad. Everyone was coping in their way, but only just. Hitchcock was giving a very pale Scully a drink. Scully was panic sweating and stuffing his face full of peanuts. Jeffords was having a medical exam at his desk and looked like he was about to have a brain aneurysm. Boyle was at his desk eating Nattō and staring intently at his phone. Gina was yelling at someone from the bathroom (I can hear her from here), and Santiago was outside on the roof shame smoking.

Sighing, I stood up from my chair and stood in my doorway as everyone turned their head to look at me.

_______________________________________________________________

**Charles POV**

"Charles. Go cook yourself some weird comfort food and chill the fuck out." I stop refreshing my phone and glance up at Jake "She's going to be fine." I nod slowly. He didn't want to talk about it, and I wasn't going to upset him by letting him see me getting worked up. "I guess so. Thanks, Jakey" I head back to my desk to munch on my Nattō. It's a Japanese dish which I normally don't eat, but there's something soothing about the combination of salty and sour while I wait for the news.

I was the first person Rosa came out to. It was only because I was an annoying ass she came out at all. We were on a trip as a squad, staying over at Becca's as the trip had been a complete disaster. I noticed Rosa slink off upstairs and decided to pour a glass of water and follow her up. I wait on the stairs for a little bit. I had a funny feeling she was talking to her boyfriend, I was curious about who he was, and I knew Rosa wouldn't tell me. " _I'm in a room next to a cow orgy. We need to go home already_." Wait. We? That evidence was circumstantial. But even so, I take a chance and glance back downstairs. Amy was also on the phone. I couldn't make out what she was saying, so I decided my best shot would be to go up to Rosa and gently probe her.

" _What are you doing, Boyle?_ " Becca replied before I could. " _I'm just brushing my hair_!" Rosa rolled her eyes " _Not you Becca_!" I smile and hand her a glass of water. "J _ust bringing you a glass of water_ ," Rosa grunts her thanks before downing it. Rosa squired me in the eye with a lemon earlier, so I was a little cautious about asking, but at the same time, I was desperate to know. _"So who are you talking t_ o? _Is that your Mr. hunk?_ " Before she could reply, there was a feminine voice coming from her phone ". _.. but it won't be long until we go home now babe._ " Rosa froze for a second before quickly picking her phone up " _I'll call you back later_." she hangs up. I glance over my shoulder quickly. Amy also hangs up. " _Wait, was that a woman's voice_?" Rosa shifts her weight and looks away " _It was my sister_." I frown, remembering an earlier occurrence " _But she called you babe. When my cousin called me babe, you said relatives shouldn't do that._ _What's going on?_ " Rosa stared at me for a second. " _I'm dating a woman._ " Oh my God. Rosa was dating Amy. Amy was dating Rosa. Oh my God. " _I'm bisexual_." I glance down at Amy then at Rosa " _It's Amy, isn't it_?" Rosa nods " _I didn't tell anyone because it's none of their business, but Amy wanted to, so I guess we're out now_." I had a feeling it was my turn to speak, but couldn't think of anything decent to say so it all came out in one intense lump before I can stop myself. " _Rosa, that's great! I just want you to know that I support-_ " Rosa cuts me off "I _don't want to talk about it right now. Just leave it alone Boyle_." Once again, cousin Becca spoke up from his room " _Gladly_." I chuckle as Rosa rolls her eyes.

After that moment, it was a little awkward. I'm awful at keeping secrets and certainly didn't want to out Rosa and Amy before they were ready. So she and Amy came out to the squad a week later, answered a few questions and then left it at that.

We became pretty close, even though Rosa denied it. I became her trusted confidant. We still didn't talk about relationships or dating much, but when we did, I helped her through whatever it was... I was so pleased for them when I found out. Those two are an adorable couple and

\- "Squad, listen up. I've just received a call."

Oh, God.

_______________________________________________________________

**Gina's POV**

It took everything I had to keep myself from spewing in Scully's wastebin when I found out. I clutched the desk with such ferocity I convinced myself I was going to break it but couldn't bring myself to let go.

I watch intently as Rosa locks the break room door and pulls the blinds closed _."I wanted to ask you to help plan Amy's date with me. She has a binder full of my favorite date ideas and is always treating me. I want to return the favor, but I don't know how." "She's into the whole movie and dinner thing."_ Rosa sighed at _me "I know that."_ I blink _"You mean I could have been Instagramming all this time?" s_ he glares at me _"Loads of people do that. I want this to be... special."_ I _no_ d, trying to think about the sorts of dates Amy would like _. "What about going to a bookstore together?"_ Rosa scrunched up her face _"Pass. I want to fuck her, and there's no way she'll let me if she's got new books."_ That was true. What would get an over-anxious geek relaxed and horny?

" _You said you do a bit of gardening, right?_ Rosa stares at me " _Yes. Why?_ " I grin to myself. I was a genius. " _Why don't we hold a kind of trivia_?" Rosa pulls a face " _Nah. I'm not into that stuff_." I shake my head " _You'll be into this, Ro-Ro_." I shove past Rosa and open the door " _Meet me at Shaw's at 8. Bring Amy_."

I'd never seen Amy happier than when I told her we were going to be doing a trivia of sorts. The game went a little like this

  1. I held a photo of a flower or plant up to them
  2. Amy had to figure out its Latin name
  3. Rosa had to figure out care instructions
  4. If they got them right, they had to drink a shot. If they got it wrong, they had to do a dare It was a brilliant night, and we all had a lot of fun. I left Amy and Rosa stumbling into the back of an Uber to Rosa's flat. Annoyingly, Amy was too drunk to remember where Rosa lived to tell me the next day.



Thinking of the weirdo, Amy had just stormed across the bullpen with a spanner in her hand. Hmm... lunch or watching a nerd try to fix... whatever? I think I can do both. Besides, Charles is eating a gross bean thing, and it's kinda ruining my appetite.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Jake POV**

I try to carry on with my day and ignore what's unfolding. Spiraling isn't going to help anyone. I just need to stay focused on my work and do my job. Simples.

I gulp as my hand rests on my notepad. Well, it was a gift from Rosa. It even smells of her. Rosa in the academy was almost exactly the same as she was now, except she was somehow scarier. We hated the drills with such a passion, I've never been one for fitness myself, and Rosa saw it as an opportunity to teach me to trust her. '1000 pushups' was born. If one of us said '1000 pushups' during a case (or anything else really), it means we're so sure we're right; we'll do 1000 pushups if we're wrong. And it worked.

After that, we went our separate ways but stayed in touch, and eventually ended up joining the nine-nine alongside her. We've worked hundreds of cases together, and she keeps me grounded when I'm wound up. Rosa has always been there through everything, even at 3 am when PTSD wouldn't let me sleep. In a lot of ways, she's like my really scary older sister, and I can't imagine what the world would be like without her.

That's it. I can't just sit here all day. I stand up and storm into Holt's office.

"No, it wasn't a suggestion, ESU has ordered us to go about our business as usual." As Holt continued to blabber on about how Rosa isn't alone, I felt myself fading. She was alone. She was charging into a shootout in a museum with a bunch of strangers. Every single one of them is going to be focused on themselves. Rosa's smart and tough, but she doesn't have eyes on the back of her head. She's nearly got shot once already (thank God for Boyle's butt) I doubt she'd get that lucky again. I need to get myself up there. At least we are capable of looking out for each other, and if the worst did happen, at least we wouldn't be depending on a bunch of random strangers to save us. Apart from the EMTs, the paramedics, and the doctors, of course.

"Peralta, are you listening to me?" I nod "Look; I'm worried about her too. But you need to go out there and do your job." I stagger out of Holt's office to see Amy speedwalking through the bullpen. I know better than to ask.

It was obvious, to me at least, Amy had a crush on Rosa. Just... subtle little things. Like the way she used to make up excuses to linger around Rosa's desk, and how, every so often, I'd catch her staring at Rosa's retreating ass as she strutted back to her desk. I'd always known Rosa was bi. Never said it, of course, I wanted to keep my body intact. The day they told the nine-nine they were dating was easily one of my happiest memories here.

"Why aren't there any updates?" I sigh and walk over to Charles, who's plonked himself next to my desk, as he frantically refreshes his phone every two seconds "Charles, you need to calm down bud. I know you're worried, but spiraling isn't going to help anyone." He ignores me and continues refreshing the page, so I tap him on the arm "Charles. Go cook yourself some weird comfort food and chill the fuck out. She's going to be fine." Charles nods "I guess so. Thanks, Jakey" Wow. That was easy. He stands up and ambles over to his desk, presumably because he's fermenting something disgusting in his drawer.

Once I'm sure nobody's looking, I grab my jacket, wallet and car keys and head outside to the car.

___________________________________________________

**Amy POV**

 I felt the desperate need to bleach my eyes out after seeing that much porn. It's okay. I don't need google. I can do it by myself. How hard can it be to fix a damn toilet? I'm still staring at the toilet when Gina announces her presence.

Gina plays on her phone while I rant about toilets and porn "Are you even listening to me?" Gina smirks, stepping closer to me "Amy, Amy, Amy. I got this. Siri, call a plumber." Her phone responds in a robotic tone. "Calling Vigilantie Plumbers LTD" Gina was better than me at this. Suddenly, I feel very emotional " You deal with the plumber. Call me when you're done." With that, I stride out of the bathroom. I don't think I've been this firm with her before.

I'm no longer numb. I grab my cigarettes from my drawer and head outside onto the rooftop to leave Rosa a voicemail. I don't intend to scream at her, but that's what I'm doing.

She's so stupid; running out into shooting like that. Didn't she think of me? Of what we have? Of the squad? Did she think at all?

I pull out a cigarette and place it between my teeth, but my damn lighter won't work. I need it to work. Out of all the days in all of existence, today is the day I need it to work. Why is it not working?

******************

" _Whoa, babe. Babe. Amy. Look at me._ " I stopped pacing and glanced at my girlfriend. Rosa gently pulled the cigarette from my teeth. " _Lighter?_ " Rolling my eyes, I handed it to her. _"Come here."_ She whispered. Rosa had never hugged me in the precinct before. " _Look, I know you're worried about Jake, but what did we say about the smoking?_ " I close my eyes as fat tears roll down my cheek. Jake had been undercover for 4 months now, and I really missed him. Rosa looks around cautiously before asking _"Do you need a patch?_ " I turn around to check nobody was watching or listening before nodding slowly. It wasn't a secret, but I was ashamed of it. Rosa sits me down on her desk chair while she digs around in her drawer. " _Aww... you keep patches for me in your drawer?_ " Rosa fixes me with a glare. _"Sleeve up."_ I thought she'd make me put it on given we were at work, but she perches on the desk next to me and applies it herself. " _Thanks, Rosa."_ Rosa nods slightly, letting her leg lightly brush against mine. " _If you're ever worried about anything babe, just talk to me, okay? We'll work it out together."_

But she's not here. She's off being shot at in some museum. With a loud yell, I spit out my cigarette and throw my lighter over the edge of the roof. Sighing, I storm back into the bullpen "I need a lighter!" Lots of people turn to stare, but I couldn't care less. "One of you people must smoke! Who is it?" Terry undoes his blood pressure cuff and stands up. "Santiago, you've quit smoking." I nod "I know. But I need one." Terry sighs and walks over to me, grabbing my shoulders to steady me. "No you don't, you can handle this." I want to scream. "You're bumping up your life insurance. Holt hasn't left his office. Charles is a quivering snappy mess and stuffing himself with ethnic cuisine." Charles looks up "Hey!" I glare at him before pointing at Hitchcock and Scully "Even Hitchcock and Scully are just sat there eating peanuts and looking depressed, and I have no fucking idea where Peralta is!" I take a deep breath "Nobody is fucking coping, Terry. Now find me a damn lighter."

Four cigarettes later, I'm lying on my back on the roof letting my anger melt into the cold concrete below me. I needed to apologize to everyone, especially Terry. As for my girlfriend, Rosa was just doing her job; I shouldn't have been so angry with her. I can't stop thinking about these little moments. The first time we met. Going with her to that shitty boring town in the middle of butt fuck nowhere because I was a jealous ass and she told me she had my back. Our first kiss. Coming out to the squad. Jumping off a balcony to chase a perp, only to dislocate my knee and have Rosa reset it. That stupid competition we had over who could solve an unsolvable case first. All these little moments streamed through my mind like one endless reel of film.

I always knew that one day our reel would just... stop, but I didn't expect it to be this soon. I always thought she was going to die in some motorcycle accident aged 82 because she didn't want to give it up. I can't do this. I can't sit here in the freezing cold and think about her. I needed to apologize.

I spent a while composing a voicemail that won't gross Rosa out, given I had just screamed at her in the last one. It turns out 23rd time is the charm. "Rosa, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm just scared for you. I get that it's your job and I would have done the same. Please look after yourself. I love you." I hang up, only to have her call me back thirty seconds later.

I know if I pick it up, I'll cry and get angry again, so I let her leave a message.

 

I can't bring myself to listen to it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rosa's thoughts on her and Amy's future while she waits for an ambulance to arrive after being shot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rewritten because the last ch 4 sucked

**_Hold on, stay down, that's it, we've got you. Officer down, we need an ambulance. Now. Does anyone know who she is? Says here on her badge 4118. That's Diaz. Rosa Diaz. Isn't she with the 9-9? Can someone get hold of her CO? Where is that ambulance? We need it now!_ **

I watched as people crowd around me. Some were pacing as they radioed frantically. Some just stared at the bloodied floor beneath me, frozen. I can't really hear them. Why wasn't it louder? Everything else today had been so noisy and bright, but now, as chaos descends, it's drowned out by my own internal washing machine.

This was not happening.

I was not collapsed in the middle of a museum lobby bleeding out in front of a bunch of random strangers. I was not able to taste blood, and my heart certainly wasn't fluttering three times as fast as it should be.

_**Let's get her vest off her. Oh god that's a lot of blood. Does anyone have a jacket we can use as a tourniquet?** _

I can't have been shot. It doesn't hurt enough.

I'm going to wake u- OW!

There's a tightening sensation around my back as I pull a face and attempt to feebly scratch the hand of the officer who's knelt beside me. He's saying something but I can't make it out.

**_You're alright hun, just relax. An ambulance is coming for you._ **

Okay, now it hurt.

But that doesn't mean anything. I'm not dying. For one, I can't leave the squad on their own. Holt would probably deal with it fine, but the rest of the team wouldn't. Scully and Hitchcock would probably burn the precinct down without me to yell at them for being morons. Terry would have another breakdown, and he's too good to be wasted on desk duty. Gina would use my death as an excuse to do all kinds of crazy things. Charles would become one of those introverted weirdos who never leaves his bed. Jake would be more of an arrogant ass, and probably kill himself doing something stupid. And Amy... I can't leave her because I never got the chance to propose and I promised her I'd be okay. But that's okay because I'm not dying.

_**Is anyone first aid trained? The shirt isn't working. We need a proper tourniquet. Do we have a first aid kit somewhere?** _

Sure, I might be lying on the floor of a museum lobby, sweaty jacket wrapped around my back, with a bunch of random strangers rushing around me, but I'm not dying. This is going to be one heck of a story to tell her, she's going to be so jealous I was the one shot in a museum.

**_Have we managed to get hold of her CO? Where is that fucking ambulance? I'm losing her here!_ **

I'm going to hold on and go to the hospital.I've not ridden in an ambulance since I beat the crap out of that guy for staring at Amy's ass. They managed to fix his face okay, so they can definitely make me better. Meanwhile, Jake's gonna tell Amy about the ring hidden under the floorboard in my bedroom. She'll find it and wear it and when she comes to visit me, and she'll say yes. When I go home, we'll plan it all out, with all the damn binders she wants, we'll go dress shopping together, she'll choose her dream dress that I've been secretly saving up for. We'll get married, not some crappy cheapo wedding, the perfect wedding she's always dreamed of. She's going to look so beautiful in white.

**_Ambulance is here! Thank god - get them over here now!_ **

It's going to be the happiest day of my life. A day I never thought would come. Nobody has ever been quite right for me. They've tried, sure, but I've never wanted to settle down with just one person. They suggest, marriage and that's it; I'm out of there. With Amy, it's... different. I never saw her coming.

_**What's her name? Rosa Diaz. Oxygen on! Can you guys go outside, please? We need space to work. I've lost her pulse! I'll start CPR, you prep the defibrillator...** _

Amy is going to make is going to captain in a few years, as dictated by her life calendar that hangs over our bed. I'll probably still be a detective, but I'm happy enough with that. We're going to celebrate by going to her favourite restaurant, then, afterwards, going on one of our moonlit rides over Brooklyn bridge she loves so much.

 ** _Come on Rosa, don't give up on us now. Come on, there's a good girl, keep fighting for me. Alright, we ready? Yep. All clear? All clear. 3,2,1, shocking_**.

It's going to be perfect. Just like I promised her it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How bloomin' predictable eh? 
> 
>  
> 
> Please leave comments and kudus. They're always appreciated and it tells me we're doing something right


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amy finds out Rosa has died, and struggles to accept the realities of it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short guys!
> 
> Comments and Kudus appreciated greatly!

I never knew how calm Brooklyn could be from up here on the roof. Sure, there was traffic and dogs, but otherwise, it was just... still. So different from the usual hustle and bustle of my daily life.

It was all going to be okay.

I really should apologise to Terry.

I put my cigarette out and wandered back into the bullpen, the smell of fresh pizza hitting me. "Ooo, who got us piz-" I trail off as I realise the bullpen was almost completely deserted. Hitchcock is sat with his arm around Scully, boxes of pizza lying untouched on their desks. "What's going on?" I grin awkwardly as I look around the bullpen "Very good guys, you got me." I stop to check under Gina's desk, ignoring the captains closed blinds behind it. "Amy." I shake my head.

No.

She told me she was going to be fine.

She promised me.

"Amy I think you should go and speak to the captain. They're all in there now." I force myself to smile at Hitchcock, my voice unnaturally chirpy "Oh, okay. Group meeting is it?" My throat closes off as I head towards the captain's office. It can't be that bad. Both of them were still out here, and there's no way the captain would not tell them if something bad happened.

Just keep talking. Keep smiling. Nothing bad can happen if I do those things.

"Come in."

Terry's sat on the sofa, staring into space. Gina is perched on a chair in the corner, kicking trashcan by her feet. Charles is collapsed in the corner, trying to smile at me. Jake is stood by a large hole in the wall, clutching his bleeding fist.

No.

This is not happening.

It's going to be okay. Just keep smiling.

"Santiago, please, sit down." His tone is ... wrong. Different from what I'm used to. Softer. Gentler.

No.

"Sir, I am so sorry, I know you've told me before about smoking on the roof, I know it's dangerous and a fire risk, and I can't apologise eno-"

"Santiago, please sit down."

"I- it won't happen again, sir I-"

"Ames. Listen to him. It's important."

Jake touches my arm, guiding me to the seat with his good hand, but I'm frozen.

"I got a call from ESU. Five officers have been shot. Detective Diaz is-"

I shake my head, the stupid grin slowly fading.

This is not happening.

She promised me.

"No!"

I turn around and walk out the door.

 

This isn't happening.

 

 

It can't be.

 

* * *

 

"Hey..."

Just for a second, my heart flutters a little bit faster as I allow myself to be pulled into strong arms.

"I knew you weren't really dead." I lay my head on Rosa's shoulder, nuzzling into her coconut scented hair.

Only these shoulders were broader. And there was no hair — just skin. And the smell of lynx.

"What?" I open my eyes, blinking. Jake was smiling down at me; I was being pulled out from under Rosa's desk. Charles was stood behind him, trying to force himself to smile at me. Scooping me up in his arms bridal style, Jake carries me to the lift. I don't want to go.  "Where are you taking me?" My voice is quieter than I expect. "I'm taking you back to mine. I'm not letting you spend tonight alone." I open my mouth to argue with him, trying to push myself out of his arms  "No... I want to wait for her." Jake just sighs, holding me a little tighter against his chest. As much as I want to resist and fight Jake off, my shattered body refuses to cooperate with me.

 

* * *

 

I don't cry when Jake carefully places me in the backseat of an uber.

I don't cry when Charles hugs me and tells me if I need anything, he'll be right over.

I don't cry on the drive to Jakes, even though the silence is deafening.

I don't cry when Jake carries me into his apartment, even when I tell him I can walk.

I don't cry when Jake orders my favourite food from that nice polish place, even though he hates it.

I don't cry when Jake gives me the bed and sleeps on the floor.

I  **do**  cry when I wake up in the middle of the night, reaching over to Rosa's side, only to find nothing there.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the Monday following Rosa's death.
> 
> Amy can't bear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU ALL SO SO SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THE LOVE! KEEP IT COMING <3
> 
>  
> 
> So sorry this is so short!

"Amy..."

"Amy, open the door."

"Okay fine, I'm coming in. Make yourself decent."

  
Amy was laying in a ball on Jake's bed, eyeliner running down her cheeks, duvet wrapped loosely around her waist. "Hey... I'm sorry to wake you so early, but I've got to go to work, so I thought I'd bring you some food... and a book because I know you like your books." Jake snorted weakly as he carried the breakfast tray to Amy, setting it down on the bedside table. "It's a classic. Kevin recommended it to me." Amy didn't move. For a second, Jake wasn't sure she was breathing. But then she sighed and rolled over onto her back, checking the time on her watch. 6:45 "Thanks, Jake." She rubbed her face before sitting up and stretching out. Jake smiled, opening his blinds, so Amy didn't have to sit in the dark. "Anyway, I'll leave you to it. Enjoy."

Amy picked at her pancakes. They were good. Really good. For someone who ate all sorts of disgusting things, Jake was actually a good cook. She just wasn't hungry.

* * *

  
_"Morning!" Amy beamed at the sleepy Rosa "I will kill you if that's a birthday breakfast." Amy placed the tray down onto her girlfriend's lap, perching next to her legs. "It's not. Now eat up." Rosa sat up, glaring at her annoying companion, nearly spilling fruit topped pancakes over her duvet._

_"Thanks, but I don't fancy getting food poisoning."_  
_"Charles made them."_  
_"Why?"_  
_"I dunno... it's Charles."_  
_"So it's a birthday breakfast."_  
_Amy picked up a strawberry and shoved it into Rosa's mouth "Fine; it's a birthday breakfast. Just eat it."_

_Rosa cocked an eyebrow, making Amy cower a little, but instead of hitting her, she munched the strawberry._

* * *

  
6:50 am.

Amy couldn't keep still. She'd pushed her food away, and was trying to read beowulf, but the words wriggled around on the page like little worms, and Amy had reread the same line 43 times already. That was it. She'd been here all weekend, losing her mind, and if anything she felt worse. She had to go into work today.

Amy's breakfast tray crashed to the floor, sending broken bits of glass, pancakes and juice everywhere. Groaning, Amy hauled herself out of bed and knelt down to pick the debris up and pop it back on the (thankfully wooden) tray. "Here, let me help." Amy looked up to see Jake stood in front of her, a towel wrapped around his waist; hair still wet from the shower. "No, it's okay, I don't need-" Jake knelt next to Amy and cut her off "You get back in bed. I'll deal with this." Amy shook her head, averting her eyes slightly as the towel loosened. "Jake. I-I'm going into work." Jake opened his mouth to protest but quickly closed it again. Amy was an adult, and he could keep a better eye on her if she went with him. Were those two things contradictory? "Okay. The shower's still warm if you want to use it." Jake grinned and popped an entire pancake in his mouth "Ewww! I can't believe you'd eat off the floor!"

Amy wished she could say the shower made her feel better. It didn't. If anything, it made it worse. It felt strange to be in there alone. It was only when she started to shampoo her hair; she realised just how greasy and matted it was. Picking up her brush, she began to work through what was essentially one giant matt at the back of her head.

* * *

  
_"Ow! Rosa!" Rosa rolled her eyes as she pulled the hairbrush through a particularly bad spot_

_"Stop being such a baby. I'm going gentle as I can. You're the one who hasn't washed in a week."_  
_"I was injured in the line of duty!"_  
_"You tripped over the curb and sprained your wrist."_  
_"It hurts! And I still think that the doctor is wrong. Maybe I should go back for a second x-ray."_  
_"Santiago, you can't misread a damn x-ray. Even you admitted you didn't see anything."_  
_"I've sprained my wrist before, and it's never hurt this much."_  
_"Just stay still and let me brush these stupid_ matts _out."_  
_"Ow!"_

* * *

 

Forty minutes later, her hair was finally lying silky smooth against her shoulders, a large pile of dead/matted/ broken hair collecting on the floor of the tub. She was going to have to buy Jake a decent drain unblocker. Turning the water off, she carefully stepped out of the bathtub, grabbing a brand new pink towel from the side to wrap around her.

* * *

 

Amy walks into Jake's room to find her favourite pantsuit and light blue blouse lying on his bed. "When you told me you were going to work, I got Charles to grab a few bits from yours." Amy forced a smile "Thanks, Jake." He nodded and closed the door so she could get dressed in peace.

Amy stared at herself in the mirror, sliding her hands down her navy pants, freshly dried hair neatly pinned back in a bun. Rosa always loved this outfit on her. "You look incredible." Amy jumped; turning around to find Jake standing in the doorway. "How long have you been standing there?" Jake shrugged "Just a few seconds. I just thought you'd want to know its 8:20." Amy nodded "I know. I was just making sure I looked appropriate. We have got a bunch of paperwork to do today." Jake pulled a face "Can't you do it? Please?" Amy raised an eyebrow "That's what all this is for? So I'll do your paperwork?" Jake paused for a second, as he realised that Amy probably wouldn't appreciate him babying her. Forcing himself to grin, he raised his hands "You got me. Excellent work, detective."

 

The drive to the precinct was silent. Neither Jake nor Amy knew what to say. Jake didn't want his friend to think he was dismissing her loss by making some stupid joke, nor was he feeling up to it. Amy wished with all her heart he would crack a stupid joke.

  
The entire bullpen fell silent as the lift opened its doors with a ding. Amy steadily walked her way through the gate, straight to her desk, but she couldn't help but glance over at Rosa's which was decorated with flowers, teddies and post its bearing messages. Rosa would have hated it.

* * *

  
_"What's this?" Rosa stared at her chocolate and flower covered desk. Charles proudly emerged from under her desk "Happy valentine's Rosa!" Rosa scoffed "You did this?" Charles paused, knowing he wasn't meant to tell her, but ended up nodding. "Do you like it? I got the chocolates imported from Leonidas in Belgium, they only use the fine-" He trailed off as Rosa extended her baton and took a menacing step towards him "I- I'll clean it up."_

* * *

  
Amy was trying to work. But it wasn't fucking working. Every time she picked up the pen and tried to fill in the paperwork she was meant to do last Friday, the words danced around the page, blurring beyond recognition. Amy closed her eyes. She felt sick. She probably should go home; only that was going to be worse. Maybe she just needed a proper case. Something she could go out and do.

"Hey Sarge, how was your weekend?" Terry looked up at Amy wearily. "How come you're in so early?" Amy shrugged "I needed something to do. Speaking of, are there any open cases at the moment?" Terry frowned "Don't you have a bunch of paperwork to do?" Amy nodded "Yeah, but I've got so much energy this morning. I figured I shouldn't be stuck behind a desk all day." Terry stood up from his desk "Look, I know you're trying to deal with this in your own way, but this isn't healthy. Remember what happened to Jake when he didn't take time off when he needed it?" Amy nodded "Yes, but I'm not Jake. And this has nothing to do with R-" Terry raised an eyebrow as Amy tries to spit out her girlfriend's name "I-I just really need a job." Terry shook his head "Come with me."

"Sir, Santiago's here."

"Ah. Send her in."

  
"What are you doing here Amy?" Holt asked gently. Amy shrugged, trying to ignore the fact this was the first time she'd been in Holt's office ever since she found out. "I took a sacred oath to protect and serve, and I intend to do so." Holt sighed, pulling off his badge and laying it on the table in front of him. "This is a symbolic gesture. I'm speaking to you as your friend, not as your captain." Amy closed her eyes, not ready for the 'rest up' speech for the second time that day "You need to go home. You're in no fit state to work. You've just lost not only your coworker and friend but your lover." Amy shook her head, fiercely fighting the tears that were trying to fall "And that's okay. You're allowed to be upset. You're allowed to take time off. I understand the want to keep busy, but maybe you should consider investing your time in a new hobby rather than throwing yourself into work."

Amy sighed and looked into the eyes of her mentor."I can't. If I go home, I'm alone with my thoughts. I can't read. I can't watch tv. I can't eat. Can't sleep. I just... the only thing I can do is work."

Holt nodded sympathetically. "What about if you tried to sleep here in my office?"

"Thank you for the offer, but I can't. I need to work."

"What about making a scrapbook for Rosa?"

Amy hesitated. The thought of going through photos of her girlfriend made her want to cry. The thought of her girlfriend never seeing her hard work did as well. But she loved scrapbooks. It would be nice to have something to flick through...

"Santiago?"

"I- I'll think about it, sir."

"Very well. In the meantime?"

Amy sighed. "I'd like to be assigned a case."

"Go home, Santiago. That's an order."

  
"Yes, sir."

* * *

  
Amy stood outside apartment 410, shaking as she traces the numbers on their door. Pulling her key from her purse, she unlocked the door, gasping slightly as the scent of coconut and whiskey hit her.

* * *

  
_"So this is my place. Tell anyone, and I will kill you." Amy grinned to herself, knowing Rosa didn't mean it. Probably. The door unlocked with a click, and Rosa flicked the lights on, heading inside. "What food you into? Might order a takeaway tonight." Amy shrugged, taking in the modern room with great delight. She closed the door with her foot before perching herself onto the sofa next to Rosa. "You good with Chinese?" Rosa asks, already dialling the number_ off _the leaflet._

* * *

 

Amy pushed the door ajar, staring at the dark, empty room that stood before her. Slowly, she stepped into the apartment. Everything was left just as she remembers it. A black top, jeans and bra are still laying on the floor by couch from when they got a little *ahem* carried away. Closing the door behind her, Amy staggers through to the bathroom, trying not to breathe through her nose. Bottles of half empty shampoo occupy the sides of the bath. There's even an opened container of shower gel laying in the bottom of the tub, its contents slowly pouring out. Rosa was awful for throwing the bottles down when showering and not replacing the lid. Amy used to hate it.

Rosa's bedroom is tidy. It still feels untouched though. The bed is made, black quilts lining it. The curtains are open. The only thing 'out of place' is the breakfast tray on the side from when Rosa made Amy breakfast after an incredible night because she didn't want to get food poisoning. Amy doesn't touch it. Picking up Rosa's perfume, Amy carries it to her side of the bed, spraying her pillow with it before setting it back exactly where it was on the dresser. Perching herself on the bed, Amy pulls her between her arms, resting her head on it and lying down, inhaling. It's far too strong and makes Amy cough, but she can't tear her face away from it.

* * *

  
_"Santiago."_

_"Santiago, wake up."_

_"Rosa? What are you doing here? It's like 2 am!"_

_"Come on. Let's go for a ride. I've something to show you."_

_Part of Amy wants to curl back up and go to sleep again, but instead, she grins "This had better be worth it. A girl needs her beauty sleep."_

_It's freezing outside, and Amy is beginning to wish she wore a warmer coat. "Here." Rosa slips off her jacket and passes it to Amy "I don't want you to be cold too!" Rosa rolls her eyes "Santiago, you're always cold, and I'm not stupid. I've got my thermals on." Grinning, Amy slips the soft leather jacket on. "Jump on. I don't have all night."_

_Amy is petrified of motorcycles, they are, after all, death traps. The first time she ever rode Rosa's, she had to be dragged out of the_ apartment _, carried down the stairs and plonked on it. But now, with a little bit of safety knowledge and her arms coiled around Rosa's waist, she feels safe._

_"Where are we going?" Amy yells against the wind, but its obvious Rosa can't hear her. Instead, Amy tilts her head upwards, gazing at the dark starry sky, the wind wrapping itself around the duo as they sped down the road._

**_Then, all at once, it was so bright, horns and the smell of burning rubber filling the air._ **  
**_Amy could feel Rosa falling away from her grasp..._ **

* * *

  
Amy woke with a start, heart pounding, tears streaming down her face. "Babe. Wake up. I had that dream again." Amy reaches for her girlfriend, but there's nobody there. Then she remembers. Rosa's not here. She's gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More is coming soon! I'm really sorry I've not updated! I've been overseas dealing with a family emergency, and I'm still dealing with the wreckage of that, but hopefully, 7th chapter will be up end of next week at the absolute latest!


	7. Chapter 7

When Amy was a little girl, she was cornered and beaten up by a classmate for being a 'nerd' and reminding the teacher to give them homework. A teacher found her collapsed semi-unconscious behind the bins and called an ambulance. When the EMT got there, they asked her to rate the pain from 1-10. Even though she'd broken her right arm in four places, had a severe concussion and her nose was broken, she called it a nine. The EMT had smiled and called her a fighter because she called a ten pain a nine. But she wasn't. Amy was saving her ten, because she knew there was going to be something in life that hurt more than she was right then.

This was her ten.

  
Standing in front of their dressing table, clutching the back of Rosa's chair as she stared into the mirror and applied another layer of ultra waterproof mascara.

* * *

  
" _If you aren't careful, Santiago, we're gonna be late!"_

_"Coming!" Amy threw her tube of mascara onto the dresser, smoothing down her dress and flicking her hair one last time before dashing out of the room._

_"You're not wearing mascara are you?"_

_"Yeah, why?"_

_"You're an emotional wreck. You really want makeup running down your cheeks while you're in public?"_

_"I don't have time to take it off. Let's just go."_

_"No. Here. I bought this for you."Rosa holds out a tube of ultra waterproof mascara "I tested it with the back of my hand and the tap. Doesn't budge."_

_Amy squeals, wrapping her arms around Rosa who grunts "Thank you!"_

* * *

 

"Amy?"

"Amy answer the door or I'm busting it down."

Amy wiped her eyes with the same old tissue before heading to the front door "Coming!" Jake was stood on the other side of the door in his uniform, bloodshot eyes fixing on Amy. "You ready Ames?" Amy nodded, suddenly oh too aware of the lump in her throat. "Sorry... that was insensitive of me." Jake bit his tongue to stop himself making an inappropriate joke and instead pulled Amy into his arms and let her sob into his chest.

"I want her back, Jake."

"I know."

* * *

 

"Amy, so good to see you again."

Oscar whispered, offering his hand, which Amy took, not daring to speak as she didn't want to cry in front of Rosa's parents. "This is my wife, Julia." Amy forced a smile and offered her hand, half expecting to be turned down. Rosa had never made her peace with her mum over her bisexuality. But Julia pulled Amy into a firm hug. "I'm so sorry." Amy closed her eyes, determined not to faint in Julia's arms.

When Julia released her, Amy stepped back, wiping her eyes. Oscar pointed towards the back of the car. "You're riding with us; the squad will follow on behind." Amy nodded, waiting for Oscar to lead his wife to the back of the car before following on.

The journey to the church was silent. Amy stared out the window, watching as they drove down the oh so familiar streets she and Rosa had once patrolled together, the familiar flashing lights flickering ahead of them, guiding them to their destination.

 

* * *

 

Hundreds of officers had turned up to show their support. It was all just a sea of navy blue by the time Amy's car pulled up. "Look at how many people have shown up to honour your daughter," Amy whispered, her voice breaking. Oscar rested a hand on Amy's shoulder "And your girlfriend."

* * *

  
_"You enjoy that?"_

_Rosa slurps her beer. "Yep. I'm going to be paying it off for the next six months though. I thought you had a date binder for me?"_

_Amy grinned, slipping her phone out from her purse "I do."_

_"So what happened to cheap dinner and basketball?"_

_"I got a coupon."_

_"Wait; what?"_

_Amy grins, waving her phone in the air "70% off!"_

_"That's my girl!"_

* * *

  
Amy stared at the rope cordoning off the first few pews. The sign read 'Close friends and family'. It didn't feel right to be unhooking it and walking to the very front bench, perching next to Oscar, Julia and a few other family members. Rosa lay just meters away from where they were sat, her coffin covered with a flag.

"I'd like to welcome you all..."

* * *

 

It was a beautiful funeral.

Rosa would have called everyone wimps for crying and told them to man up.

* * *

  
Amy began to feel sick when the bagpipes started to play 'Amazing Grace'. When they finished, Amy took a shaky deep breath and forced herself onto her feet, lifting her chin up and setting her sights on a window behind the altar as the oh too familiar sound of the radio crackling echoed around the church.

"This is a final call for Detective Rosa Diaz, 4118. Detective Diaz was fatally shot on October 12th, 2019 while answering a call to duty. She gave her life while serving the city of New York with courage and valour. The men and women of the 99th precient are forever grateful to have served alongside her, and will never forget her ultimate sacrifice. All units - break for a moment of silence."

Amy gripped the front of the pew tight, determined not to let the tears stream down her cheeks. Especially not now when everyone was deathly silent.

"Dispatch to Diaz 4118."

Amy closed her eyes, steadily breathing out through her nose.

"Dispatch to Diaz 4118."

She could do this.

"No Answer Diaz 4118."

She could cry later.

"Diaz 4118, you are clear to stand down."

When there aren't a billion people to stare at her.

" End of watch 13:32 on October 23rd 2019. Gone, but never forgotten. Godspeed, Rosa."

* * *

 

When it had finally quietened down, and she'd shaken a billion and one hands, Amy sat herself in front of Rosa's grave, staring at the masses of flowers surrounding it.

"I know you hate soppy stuff, so I'll try to keep this as uncringy as possible."

Amy paused, searching for the words. "I am so fucking pissed you've gone and left me on my own. But I love you to the moon and back, and I am going to miss you so fucking much. You're a huge part of me, and I've honestly no idea how I'm going to do this without you... But... I'll try. I promise you I'll try."

Amy wiped her eyes, sniffing. "I love you, Rosa, and I'll never forget you. Neither will the squad. Or anyone who had the pleasure of meeting you. Even that guy you beat up for staring at my ass." Amy giggled, wiping her eyes. "Anyway, that's the soppy stuff over. I hope you don't mind if I stay here for a bit."

And stay there Amy did, sobbing to herself until she had no tears left to cry.

* * *

Jake found Amy collapsed by Rosa's grave, muttering Rosa's name in her sleep


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> I kept writing it, and rewriting it, then I was in hospital then I wasn't and ...... yeah. I promise I've got more coming, and I promise I'll improve the quality of the last few CHs
> 
> Comments and Kudus make the world go round :)

“Amy!”

  


“Amy! You out here?”

  


“Amy!”

 

“Jake! She’s over here!”

 

Jake ran towards Charles, feet carrying him over the uneven ground at an alarmingly fast pace. “Is she okay?”

 

“Yeah, she’s just sleeping.”

 

Jake panted to himself as he reached his friends. Charles was holding his phone touch over Amy’s crumpled body, watching her side rise and fall steadily. “It’s freezing out here. We’d better get her in.”

 

Charles nodded “Want me to go get Ro…” He squeezed his eyes shut, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Terry?”

 

Jake ignored him, kneeling down next to Amy and pulling her into his arms as Charles pulled a face. “You got my keys?”

 

 

* * *

 

“Morning sleepy head.”

 

Amy groans and rolls over onto her back, blinking up at Jake, who’s armed with a tray of pancakes.

 

Jake tries to smile when he sets the tray onto Amy’s lap “Here you go. Boyle cooked them especially. I’ve tried them, and they are-*

 

“Jake…” Amy groaned, pushing the tray away “It’s Saturday.”

 

Jake pushed the tray back to Amy “I know, but I thought you could have a decent breakfast, and then maybe we could go out to a museum somewhere? Or a library? Ooo! There’s that new statio-”

 

“Jake.”

Jake shook his head, powering on through “Stationery shop down on cor-”

 

“Jake!” Amy snapped, opening her eyes long enough to glare at him as she pushed the tray away once more “This is all very nice and everything, but I don’t… I’m not hungry.”

 

Jake recoiled, his face falling as he stared at Amy for a moment “But Ames… pancakes!” He forced a smile “Who doesn’t want pancakes for breakfast?” There was no response. “Okay, well maybe you don’t want pancakes, but what about going out today? I heard the-”

 

“Jake, you’re not listening. It’s Saturday. Wake me up when it’s Monday.”

 

Jake sighed, collecting the tray off Amy’s lap “Guess I’ll just have to eat these myself then.”

 

Amy sighed, rolling over and nuzzling back into her pillow. “Turn the light off on your way out.”

* * *

 

And for a long time, that’s how it was. Amy would go into work Monday to Friday, but as soon as she got home, she flopped into bed without undressing. Saturday, Sunday, bank holidays and time the captain made her take off because she didn’t look at all well, she just slept.  Or watched teleshopping ads. She certainly didn’t eat. Jake was convinced he never saw her get up to go to the toilet, on those given days, but Charles maintained that was impossible.

* * *

 

  


“Amy, do you have any concealer? I’ve got a zit.”

 

Amy rolled her eyes from where she was curled up on the sofa in the breakroom, a case file open in her lap.  “Yeah, Gina left me some in my purse.”

 

“Thanks.” Jake mumbled, setting off to find Amy’s purse.

 

It had been three months since Rosa’s death. Amy had insisted on going back to work, but she didn’t realise how hard it would be. She could no longer work at her desk. From there, she could see Rosa’s, which was still decorated with memorial gifts. She couldn’t bring herself to clear them off, but equally, she hated seeing them every day when she went into work. So, for now, she’d resigned herself to working in the breakroom. It wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t horrendous either, and it certainly wasn’t worse than staying at home.

  


“What? No! Sir, you can’t do that!”

 

Amy looked up from her case file. That was Jake’s voice. Something was going down, which wasn’t unusual, given Jake’s relationship with the captain, but this felt… different. She should probably go and see what was causing all of the commotion. But she had this horrible feeling something was very wrong and if she went out she’d only end up witnessing it first hand.

 

It was Charles running into the breakroom that forced her to investigate. “Amy, you’re going to want to see this.”

 

Shakily standing up, Amy followed him out into the bullpen, where everyone was gathered around Rosa’s desk.

 

“I’m sorry, Peralta, but the fact remains -  we are all suffering from budget cuts, and we need this desk for official police work.”

  


“No!” Amy’s hands flew over her mouth as soon as it came out. Blushing as everyone turned to stare at her, she hastily explained herself “Sorry, there was a... wasp.” She forced a smile “But it’s flown away now..”

 

Turning back to Jake, Holt sighed, “I know this desk is much more than a desk to you, but the new detective will be here tomorrow. I need you and Santiago to stay behind after work and clear it.”

 

“Bu-”

 

“That’s an order.”

Everyone turned to stare at Amy when the captain returned to his office. “ It’s- I-” Amy sighed “I’ll be in the breakroom if anyone needs me.”  Nobody dared to make a single noise until Amy was out of earshot.

 

* * *

 

 

“You ready?”

 

Amy looked up at Jake through sore, blurry eyes. He was stood in the doorway of the breakroom, looking concerned. Amy was sick to death of that pitying look. She gets it from everyone these days. Anyone who knew Rosa, heck anyone who has ever heard about Rosa. Some guy in the street yesterday approached her to apologise for her loss.(She couldn’t tell anyone about it because she wasn’t cleared for street work yet, but she had found a lead that she just had to chase.) It was all she was getting left, right, and centre. Rosa was gone. They were about to bin all of her beloved possessions. She needed to get drunk and forget the sentiment of it all. “Yep. Have you got Spotify?”

 

Jake raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment, instead, he forced a grin “You know I do!”

 

Amy stood up, case file falling to the floor. “Great! You still got that cheap beer in your locker?”

 

Jake paused, noting Amy’s puffy eyes but alarmingly wide grin. Rosa would probably haunt him if he didn’t look after her. Actually, that was a point. Had Rosa’s ghost been floating around all this time?

 

“Jake!”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Do you have alcohol anywhere?”

 

Jake must have hesitated too long because Amy shoved past him, crying out  “The first one to the lockers wins!” before running off. Jake knew this wasn’t okay behaviour for Amy. That he should probably call someone, ideally someone she’d listen to so they can make sure she was safe, but equally, he was only human. A race in a police precinct? Game on!

 

* * *

 

 

Amy easily beat Jake and when he finally showed up at his locker, Amy was already there, trying to guess his combination.

 

“N-no fair, Amy!”

 

Amy didn’t react.  Her eyes were set on the lock as she fiddled with it.

 

Standing upright, Jake walked over to her, offering his hand “Here, let me-”

 

Amy spun around, “No! I can do it!”

 

Jake raised his hands and backed off, letting Amy argue with it for a few more moments.

 

Eventually, Amy gave up with a loud yell, punching a sizable dent in Jake’s locker. “Stupid thing!” She glared at Jake “Unlock it.”

 

Jake blinked a few times, unsure what he had just witnessed. Alcohol definitely wasn’t going to help matters. Making sure Amy couldn’t see over his shoulder, he unlocked his now very badly dented locker, and grabbed a few packets of Cheetos as well as a six-pack of orange soda. “Sorry Ames. Guess we must have run out.”

 

Amy growled but didn’t argue, instead signalling for Jake to hand her a can of orange soda. He did so, watching as she drank the entire can in a few seconds. “That’s better. Sorry I yelled at you. I’m just a little… stressed.”

 

Jake nodded “I know. We all are." There was a pause while Amy downed another can of orange soda. "Ready to go upstairs?"

 

She wasn't, but she didn't have a choice in the matter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudus make the world go round :) 
> 
>  
> 
> (Thank you to those who've already done the above, I LOVE you!)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amy and Jake sort out Rosas' desk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long guys, I've been really ill and going through a lot of personal shit which meant I wasn't in the right mindset to deal with writing a world in which Rosa is dead I know it's short, but it's just something to keep this story alive while I write a bigger chapter. Enjoy <3

“Okay, so that’s the surface done...”

Jake nodded, trying not to look at the bin bag filled to the brim with memorial gifts and a few low- value possesions that had once belonged to Rosa. “Now for the draws.” He tried to smile but couldn’t. Instead, he took a slurp of orange soda and turned the music on his phone up. 

“Jake, do you mind turning that off?” Amy whispered, her voice hardly audible over the racket. Jake nodded, instantly doing as he was asked. “I’m sorry, I was trying to avoid…” She looked up at the ceiling, blinking back the tears furiously “...this. She hated me crying and I don’t want to let her down by being a soppy baby or whatever.” Jake sighed, not sure what he was meant to say. “Ames… you’re allowed to cry.” He paused awkwardly “If it helps, I cry too.” Amy giggled then, wiping the tears from her cheeks. “Oh, pineapples… nobody doubted you’d be a sobbing mess.” Jake recoiled in mock offence “Hey! I was trying to help you!” 

The two lightly giggled for a while, taking jabs at each other until it almost felt, if Amy closed her eyes, like nothing ever happened. That this was just regular overtime, and when she and Jake were done, Amy would go home to Rosa, who’d be waiting with takeout and a movie. 

“You ready?” Jake asked, bringing Amy into the present, where her girlfriend was gone. She shook her head, but let Jake carry on regardless. The first drawer was full of date ideas, knives and leather cleaner. Amy looked away as Jake binned everything bar Rosas’ knives. “If you don’t want them, then I need to take them down to-” She shook her head, cutting Jake off “I’m keeping them.” Nodding, he placed them in the ‘keep’ bag that was filled with a handful of sentimental belongings. Well sentimental to Amy anyway. Rosa didn’t ‘do’ sentimental. 

The second draw was filled with various files and bits of work, or at least it was until Jake started to set them out on the top of the desk for re-sorting and filing and noticed something at the very back.“Ames.” He whispered, his own voice catching “You’re going to want to see this.” Amy stopped staring at the ‘keep’ bag at her feet and looked up at Jake, who was suddenly ashen. “It’s not a dead body is it?” She half-joked, knowing she shouldn’t put it past her girlfriend. Jake shook his head, trying to force a smile as he reached into the back of the drawer, picking up a small, velvet box and offering it to Amy, who instantly burst into tears.


End file.
